this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I lost the right to judge tonight
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
