Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
