you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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