Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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