I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize