I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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