The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
