And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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