I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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