We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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