Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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