What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
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I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
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Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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