i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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