I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
