god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
