I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
