He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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