I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Oh god it's open bar.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
