i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
