Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize