I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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