My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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