Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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