Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
