Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
