I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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