Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
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you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
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his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....