Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
