I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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