like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
