I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
