1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
