so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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