so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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