my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
