It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
