I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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