The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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