Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
