Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So many bounce houses so little time
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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