Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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