You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
