is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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