I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
