I must be too annoying 4 u.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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