I murdered the dance floor call the cops
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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