I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
be right there i have to get my cape
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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