As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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