i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
