I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
