Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
