I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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