my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm like, not good at living.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
