..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
