dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We're too hungover to prance.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
