If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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