It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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